


Whaddaya Mean We've Done This Before?

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Drama, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-28
Updated: 2006-03-28
Packaged: 2018-08-15 16:55:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8064616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Parody of 2.19 "Judgment." (04/17/2003)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: You know, I've been thinking. According to copyright law, I'm perfectly within my rights to parody television shows. Therefore, I can even make money! I will accept cash, credit card numbers (or just the cards), social security numbers, and mimeographed fingerprints. Oh, yes, and Skittles.  


* * *

### Teaser

Magistrate: Bring in the prisoner! (smacks giant stone claw-hand on table for no apparent reason)

Archer enters, in chains (or not)

Magistrate: I meant Kirk! And McCoy!

Klingon Guard: Who? [ _A/N: Yeah, I've seen Star Trek 6, too_.]

Klingons: Rah! Rah! Rah!

Magistrate (smashes claw-hand again): You stand accused of conspiring against the Klingon empire! How do you respond?

Archer: Can I sit accused?

Magistrate: This is a preliminary hearing, intended just to scare you and draw in viewers. Tomorrow you can try to prove your innocence. If you cannot, there is only _one_ punishment.

Archer: Do I have to watch a Klingon opera?

Magistrate: _And_ eat targâ€”alive! The targ, I mean. Not you.

Archer: Incidentally, I'm glad you're speaking English for _my_ benefit. Woulda been a tough trial if you'd conducted it in Klingon. Or is it...Klingonese?

### Act 1: Trials And...Well, No Tribbles

_Cell in Klingon prison:_

Phlox (cheerful): And how are you?

Archer: Eh. The food could be better. I asked if they could take Chef prisoner, too, but they refused.

Phlox: Funny thing, I wasn't sure if I'd find you alive.

Archer: They promised me a show trial before my execution.

Phlox: Well, that was quite dashing of them, wasn't it?

Archer: Something wrong?

Phlox (looks up from scanner, surprised): Yes. I think I left one of my Rigellian bloodworms in your system. I'd like it back before your execution, if possible.

Archer: I'll see what I can do. So, when'd you pop by for a visit?

Phlox: We got here two days ago. T'Pol slept with a higher-up in the Klingon Empire government to let me see you. You should be thankful.

Archer: I'd rather you'd slept with the Klingon and let _her_ see me, but whatever.

Phlox: Starfleet and the Vulcan High Command are doing everything possible to get you released, but you know how incompetent they are...

Archer: Not as incompetent as me! You don't think this will jeopardize the mission, do you, seeing as I screwed up again?

Phlox: Oh, don't worry about that! Commander Tucker and T'Pol are trying to figure out a way (shouts) TO HELP YOU ESCAPE!

Archer: That's nice. Well, whatever happens, and this goes double if they happen to succeed, I'm counting on them to get the _Enterprise_ out of Klingon territory.

Phlox: I'll pass it along. Unless they kill me before I leave the ship, which is possible.

Kolos: Is he sick?

Phlox: Oh, yes, very. Xenopolycythemia. He'd better come back to our ship to spread the infection. [ _A/N: Did you know there is actually a disease (on Earth) called polycythemia? I don't know anything about it, but I read about it in some article for a class. Isn't it amazing what you can learn when you do your homework?_ ]

Kolos: Is this a trick?

Phlox: Yes.

Archer: Nice try.

Kolos: You're not here to treat him! You're here to devise secret escape plans! Go now!

Phlox: I'll sure I'll see you soon. Or at least your desecrated corpse.

Archer: Thanks for the comforting farewell.

Kolos: I am Kolos. All Klingon names must start with K, until the twenty-fourth century. I am your Advocate. Also known as a lawyer.

Archer (screaming): Nooo!

Kolos: I'm not _that_ bad. Just court-appointed.

Archer: But if it's a show trial, why do I even _need_ an attorney?

Kolos: Don't ask me! It's not my legal system! Let's go; we're about to start.

Archer (whines): But I'm not ready! I don't know anything about your justice system! The judge wasn't wearing the white powdered wig or anything! What can I expect out there?

Kolos: You will be chained to the floor and attacked by hungry lions with a cheering crowd of spectators. Wagering is allowed on how long you last.

Archer: Can I testify?

Kolos: If you can talk fast.

Archer: I think maybe I should be tried by my own judicial methods.

Kolos: What about that time you tricked the guy in "Catwalk" by making him think your judicial system was unfair and dictatorial?

Archer: How did you know about that?! Well, that's okay, because it wasn't _me_. Besides, he deserved it. I'm innocent.

Kolos: I will speak for you now, so shut your trap.

_Tribunal:_

Crowd: Chop! Chop! Chop!

Archer: What are they saying?

Kolos: Chop. As in, "Chop off his head."

Archer: Oh. I thought they were speaking Klingon for some reason. They're not the jury, are they?

Kolos: Jury? What is this strange word you say to me? [ _that's what he shoulda said, anyway_ ]

Old Mean Klingon, Soon To Be Known As Prosecutor Orack: Grr.

Archer: Who's zat?

Kolos: Prosecutor Orack. He's pretty damn good. 100% success rate. I always end up defending against him.

Archer: So, then, what's _your_ success rate?

Kolos (pauses): Depends on what you mean by success.

Magistrate (smashing claw-thing, just because it's fun to do): Arr. Me has a giant stone claw for a hand! And a parrot.

Archer: Do all the magistrates wear that claw thingie?

Kolos: No, just this one. He likes it.

Magistrate: Let's begin. Orack?

Orack: My first (and only) witness is Dumbass, son of Tural.

Dumbass: How's everybody?

Orack: So, Captain, what's on your plate for this afternoon?

Dumbass: Actually, I'm not a captain anymore. I've been disgraced.

Orack: Then you must be _killed_! Kill him now!

Magistrate: Don't you need him for the case?

Orack (realizing): Ahh, yes. Proceed. Did the pasty-face smoothy have anything to do with it?

Dumbass: As a matter of fact, he did. He stole my captain's hat.

Orack: Tell us...

Dumbass: Well, it happened something like...(strokes chin, harp music and wavering edges cues flashback scene)

_Klingon ship:_

Dumbass: Those are the escaping rebels! Hey, look at that funny ship!

Klingon Chick: We can defeat it easily. Pitiful weapons.

Dumbass: Then let's blow them up! Or, let's stay and talk to them. That's the Klingon way of doing things.

Archer (on screen): I'm the evil tyrant Archer of the all-powerful killer-ship _Enterprise_. Who be-ist thou?

Dumbass: Surrender your prisoners! We want them!

Archer: We found 'em first, so nyah!

_Tribunal:_

Orack: So what did you do when he quoth the dreaded "nyah?"

Archer: I didn't say that. He makes my voice sound funny when he's reenacting it. All nasally. I don't talk nasally, do I? Can't you object?

Kolos: It's not important. Just sit back and enjoy the story.

Orack: So, what happened next?

Dumbass: I pitied the weakling, because the Klingons are sympathetic and he was dying in battle to join his ancestors in Klingon heaven, all for protecting rebel wussies.

Orack: Huh?

Archer: They're not rebels! They're my friends!

Magistrate: Silence! Didn't you tell your human to shut up? Get the cattle prods!

Orack: And so I assume you killed him at this point?

Dumbass: Actually, no. I chickened out. But he did, too! He ran and hid in the Rings of the Planet-That-Is-Similar-To-Saturn! He tricked us!

Orack: So, even though you outgunned them, and were practically assured of victory, and were attacking a ship with marginal military experience, you failed miserably?

Dumbass (thinks): That's about it, yeah.

Orack: Good. Now that your testimony is over, go out back to be shot. Guard!

Dumbass: What if I'm needed again?

Orack: Too bad.

Magistrate: So is the trial over yet?

Orack: Yes. Dumbass made it clear that this _enemy_ interfered with his attempt to kill him. He disgraced a proud warrior, who is now pathetic and worthless. (gunshot heard from off-stage) And dead. Oh, yes, he also did something with a rebellion. Possibly.

Magistrate: Sounds convincing.

Orack: Archer claims to be innocent! If he's innocent, then why does he look guilty?

Crowd: Pasty! Pasty!

Orack: He's lucky we didn't send a whole fleet of ships to kill his mother! In fact, he deserves the worst punishment our laws decree!

Crowd: Gasp!

Magistrate (shocked): You can't meanâ€”

Orack: I do! Forced to watch every movie starring Pauly Shoreâ€”nine concurrent sentences!

Archer (screams): NOOOO!

Magistrate: Do you have a defense?

Kolos: Mmm...no.

Archer: Hey! I'm not guilty! Those weren't rebels. And I'm not your enemy!

Magistrate: Prod him! Silent, fool! This tribunal is in recess! Everyone to the playground!

### Act 2

_Cell:_

Archer: They fed me the same chunk of meat again! And it's yucky!

(Kolos enters)

Archer: This needs some salt. And garlic. And BBQ sauce. Oh, yes, and fire. And...nachos.

Kolos: Well, didn't I tell you not to talk? Do you need a muzzle?

Archer: Maybe. I figured I knew the Klingon legal system better than you, so...

Kolos: I may yet save your pasty hide. The magistrate is willing to show you mercyâ€”he's that kinda guyâ€”if you tell him where the rebels are.

Archer: How should I know? And, they're not rebels, 'cause I say so.

Kolos: They are rebels under our law, which you conveniently ignore because you don't feel like respecting us.

Archer: They should follow Earth's laws. We're important now, 'cause we have a ship in outer space.

Kolos: Where did you take the rebels?

Archer: Mars.

Kolos: Do you know what will happen if you don't tell them?

Archer: I have a pretty good idea.

Kolos: Well, you're WRONG!

Archer: What would happen to them if I tell you?

Kolos: They'd be tried for treason. Right here.

Archer: Then I won't do it!

Kolos: That's very high and mighty of you.

Archer: If you let _me_ talk, instead of just standing around, obviously I could convince them of my innocence. But instead you're all just a bunch of meanies.

Kolos (bellows): I am _not_ a meanie! Back in my day, we knew how to run a trial! Things were different then.

Archer: Better or worse?

Kolos: Well, worse, actually.

Archer: Sounds good. So maybe we should show them what a _real_ trial is likeâ€”a good ol' American trial!

Kolos: American? What's that? (sighs) Oh, but I'm too old.

Archer: You're never too old to be a do-gooder!

Kolos: Well, I'll think about it. You humans can be very convincing.

_Tribunal:_

Magistrate: I hope you all had fun on the monkey bars. Now, back to business. Is the human going to speak?

Kolos: He wants to testify.

Orack: I object! We already did that part of the tribunal!

Magistrate: What other part is there?

Kolos: Well, [and here you know he's a lawyer] according to the Important Charter of Kohlof, he whose name sounds a lot like the captain of the tribble ship, I can enter new evidence whenever I want. It's on the books.

Orack: Snarl. I am cowed by your knowledge of the law!

Kolos: From the time of Kahless our courts have dispensed justice with...gumballs! And honor!

Crowd: Gumballs!

Kolos: Now, speech over, will my case be heard or not?

Magistrate (checks watch): I was going to let you speak, but then you had to go yammerin' on some rant about honor.

Kolos: It'll come up again, promise. (to Archer) Now, what's your name again?

Archer: Um...Captain. Archer. Right?

Orack: Do you admit that you're guilty?

Archer: No! I was just trying to make friends!

Orack: So you admit you were being 'nice.' A sickening emotion.

Magistrate: All right, knock it off.

Kolos: Tell your story now.

Archer: Well...we got a distress call. And...then we saved some boring people with funny faces. That's about it. Oh, they said you were imperialist pigs and that made me mad! (looks around) But not _too_ mad. Remember, I'm not your enemy! (smiles)

Kolos: So you knew they were fleeing the Empire.

Archer: I guess we did, didn't we?

Kolos: And you showed them com _pas_ sion.

Orack: You should've let _us_ take care of them.

Archer: Now, wait. If you took all their resources and never came back, why does it matter if they escape?

Orack: That is irrelevant!

Magistrate: Actually, it's a good question. Our reputation was at stake!

Archer: Well, you didn't do anything to help them!

Orack: Do you see how self-righteous he is? He thinks he did nothing wrong!

Archer: I didn't! Unless you count the mysterious dilithium boiler incident.

Crowd: Shout! Shout!

Magistrate: This story is getting interesting. I especially like hearing about the Vulcan woman. Describe her in more detail. Include a conversation you had with her.

Archer: A personal one, or something about this case?

Magistrate (shrugs): Either/or.

Archer: Well, we decided to take them with us...

_Ready Room:_

T'Pol: What are you planning to do with them?

Archer: Do with them? Oh, I thought we'd just carry them around with us and let them join our weekly adventures!

Reed (over com): Captain, please come to the bridge.

Archer steps out of Ready Room, directly onto bridge.

Archer: Hey, that's a Klingon ship.

Reed: Maybe it's bringing supplies.

T'Pol: No, stupid. It's a battle cruiser. It's cruisin' for a bruisin'.

Archer: Well, go to Tactical Alert. I'm gonna go grab a sandwich.

Reed turns off lights on bridge, 'cause there's nothing better in an emergency than stumbling around in the dark.

Orack: So, you were preparing for battle!

Kolos: Good job, human!

Orack: You fired on an Imperial vessel! This means war!

Archer: Um, if we're at war, maybe I should go now. Rally the troops.

### Act 3: Face-off

_Bridge (_ Enterprise _):_

Archer: So, what do we do?

Travis: Lay down and die?

Archer: That might get us killed.

Reed: Whatever we do, it should involve weapons.

Archer: How 'bout we go hide in the rings of Saturn? And...um, explode stuff and confuse them and run away?

Reed: Sounds like a plan.

T'Pol: Perfectly logical.

Archer: Can you modify a torpedo?

Reed: Er, no. Do I have to for some reason?

Archer: Yes. How long will it take you?

Reed: Three days?

T'Pol: We have eleven minutes.

Reed: Damn.

_Tribunal:_

Orack: Oh, I see! You laid a trap!

Archer: Yes. And I just realized I'm giving away military strategy. Strike that from the record.

Magistrate (scribbling furiously): So noted.

Kolos: I was assured that my client could speak interrupted.

Magistrate: You were not.

Orack: Oh, let him continue. This is moderately entertaining. But not as good as a Captain Q'angahru episode.

_Bridge:_

Travis: They're here!

Archer: Hail them.

Dumbass (really, really mean): Who the targ are you?

Archer (pleasantly): I'm Archer, kind sir. Can I help you?

Dumbass: Not unless you plan to commit suicide! Hand over the rebels!

Archer: I'm sorry, Mr. Dumbass, sir. I can't do that. They have boo-boos.

Dumbass: How do you my name!?

Archer: Oh, sorry. I've learned it since this happened, so I'm just adding it in.

Dumbass: If you do not, I will shoot you all and eat your brains!

Archer: How about we sit down and work out a touchy-feely compromise?

Dumbass fires on ship. They hide and escape in the CGI field of effects.

Archer: Look, we're hiding behind a giant space rock! He can't see us!

_Tribunal:_

Kolos: And you were defending your ship when all this happened, like any good Klingon?

Archer: Yes.

Kolos: So, who will tell the version wherein _he_ is the center of attention, a la Felix in the New Year's party episode of the _Odd Couple_?

Archer: Um...Trip, maybe?

Kolos: Well, then what happened?

Archer: We left.

Kolos: I notice you didn't mention destroying the ship. Why?

Archer: Why didn't I mention it, or why didn't I destroy it?

Kolos: The latter.

Archer: Because he wasn't my enemy, even though he tried to kill me.

Kolos (repeats loudly): Not your enemy!

Archer: What are you, deaf?

Kolos (murmurs to Archer): It's a lawyer tactic. (to magistrate) I submit to the court that Archer is guilty!

Archer: Huh?

Kolos: Guilty of being a charmingly meddling sonnuva bitch! One time he stopped a Suliban plot to destroy the Klingon Empire! He got a medal. And then, another time, he saved a Klingon ship. That was episode 17, I think.

Orack: What's your point?

Kolos: This reflects a pattern in his behavior. He may be self-righteous...

Archer: Damn straight.

Kolos: But he had saved perhaps the entire Empire. He is only guilty of being a nuisance. So, let his punishment fit _that_ crime.

Archer: What's the punishment for that crime?

Kolos (casually): Death.

_Cell:_

Manly Klingon-human bonding.

Archer: How long does a verdict take?

Kolos: Sometimes decades. Usually, it just takes seconds. We all leave the court and get called right back. I guess I'm pretty damn good, aren't I?

Archer: Yeah. Thanks.

Kolos: Don't thank me. Thank your...well, yes, thank me. (takes out flask) Blood wine?

Archer (drinks): What kind of blood is it?

Kolos: Vulcan. Don't feel bad if you're too wimpy to drink it.

Archer: Hey, _I'm_ manly! (chugs) How many cases _have_ you won, anyway?

Kolos: Not sure. At least...two. But that was long ago, before the power was held by the warrior class.

Archer: You mean there's other kinds of Klingons?

Kolos: You didn't think all Klingons were soldiers? Like me, for instance?

Archer: I guess I figured you were an anomaly. Huh. So there's Klingons who, like, do accounting and work as cashiers and stuff?

Kolos: Yes, but no telemarketers. We killed them off years ago. Back in the day, I was a nerdy student learning the law. Now, all these young people want to do is take up weapons. At the University, they have protests against peace. It's all about honor. If Dumbass had destroyed that shipâ€”yours, I guess it wasâ€”he'd be a hero, but now he's a goat. Literally. They turned him into one. We used to be much more honorable. Now, I predict we will degenerate into barbaric warmongers until some other speciesâ€”perhaps humansâ€”turns us back into civilized people.

Archer: That was long. For thousands of years, we humans had the same problem. We're superior now, of course. We used to have wars and all that.

Kolos: Did you kill yourselves off?

Archer: No. A few courageous people decided to make a difference.

Kolos: What happened to them?

Archer: They were killed off.

_Tribunal:_

Magistrate: I have weighed the evidence carefully. I have decided the defendant was just a pathetic fool who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground, rather than fomenting rebellion.

Archer: Hmm. Should I be happy or insulted?

Magistrate: Both. So, anyway, he did break our laws. So...he's GUILTY!

Archer: That sucks.

Magistrate: However, instead of watching Pauly Shore movies, you only have to go to the Klingon Gulag for the rest of your life!

Archer: Whew! That's a relief!

### Act 4: That Was Fast!

Magistrate: Remove the prisoners!

Orack: I protest! The punishment must be death!

Kolos: It _is_ death. No one lasts longer than a year at the Gulag. And this is supposed to be an act of mercy?

Magistrate: The court had shown you a great deal of patience. Don't piss off the court further.

Kolos: I think I'll do just that! Back in my day, we knew how to run a trial! We tried Klingons with honor! But it's been a while since this court tried anyone with honor!

Magistrate: Bah! You question my honor! Get up here so I can smash you with my claw!

Kolos: This man (Archer) acted with conviction and integrity and how do you reward him?

Magistrate: With a free trip to a wonderfully chilly planet, with skiing and hockey facilities, and...

Archer: Hey! Don't use the word 'conviction' around me!

Kolos: You acted without HONOR!

Magistrate: That's it. You will now join your new boyfriend at the Gulag for one year. An Earth year, which is longer than a Klingon year.

Kolos: Huh. Gotta say, I wasn't expecting _that_.

_Enterprise:_

Trip: Can you believe this? We hardly got any airtime this week. I know he's the star, but really!

Travis: Welcome to my world, brother.

Reed: Don't you think we should rescue him?

T'Pol: Logically, if there were one less main character, the other six would get more time on-screen.

All: Hmm...

Travis: What's this Gulag thing like, anyway?

T'Pol: Kinda cold. Not much fun.

Trip: Well, maybe we oughta save 'im, then.

T'Pol: The captain did not want to endanger the crew.

Trip: Yeah, but just think of him cowerin' in the corner, bawlin' his eyes out.

T'Pol: There are a few Klingons who can be (wink, wink) persuaded.

Trip (turns away, grumbling): Yeah, you can _persuade_ a Klingon, but not li'l ol' Trippy.

T'Pol (dryly): Little being the operative word. Mr. Mayweather, set a course for Rura Pente.

Travis: Um, okay. Where is it?

_Here it is!:_

Archer: Have you ever wondered why we're just swinging axes at the walls of the cave we're standing in? There's no dilithium here! And we're just going to make it collapse over our heads!

Kolos (gasping): I don't think I can make it! (collapses)

Archer: Come on! We've only been here two hours!

Kolos: I guess I spent too much time in the library and not enough in the mines...

Archer: Well, you know, not everyone is a former water polo player.

Guard: Our ships run on ice crystals, not talk! (kicks Kolos)

Kolos: Ouch.

Archer: Hey! He's my friend! (kicks, cattle-prods guard. Other guard kicks/prods him)

Kolos: You're a fool.

Archer: Not the first time I've heard that! I was being honorable.

Kolos: You were interfering in affairs that don't involve you, even though it _was_ your fault I got kicked. Since you were talking to me.

Archer: We have a saying on Earth: "You don't cattle prod a man when he's lying on the ground in a mine."

Kolos: Interesting saying. So...are all humans like this?

Archer: No. I'm the fairest of them all.

Kolos: I was thinking stupid! (they share hearty laugh, then hacking cough)

Kolos: Okay. Let's get back to work.

Scene of prisoners pretending to work hard. Somone enters.

Archer: Hey, new arrivals. All right! We get to make fun of the newbies!

Newbie: Damn. I wish I could see anything with this stupid hood covering my face. Is that the captain?

Kolos: Stay away from us! There, I protected you, too!

Reed (shouts): Captain! I was trying to SAVE you!

Archer: Oh, hey, it's a 'friend' of mine. Lt. Reed, this is Kolos, my advocate.

Reed: You did a helluva job. Turns out T'Pol just had to sleep with a couple of the right people to get you rescued.

Archer (appalled): She slept with a Klingon? Well, maybe she'll learn some new moves...

Kolos: That's exactly the kind of corruption I'm fighting against! I won't allow it!

Archer: Is there room for one more?

Reed: No. Definitely not. Or did you mean you? Well, yeah, I kinda planned on _that_.

Archer: I meant Kolos.

Kolos: I won't go! I've been an advocate for years! I spent 20 years playing my part. Now, it's time to do something daring and courageous, so I can be just like you! You told me on your world a few courageous people made a difference!

Archer: Oh, well, that was a lie, actually.

Reed: Captain, we're kind of on a schedule here. Does that guy ever shut up?

Kolos: It's okay! I'm doing it, anyway!

Archer: But you won't survive!

Kolos: Most prisoners aren't _me_!

Archer: Thank you. For, um...well, you really didn't do anything for me, did you?

They share Klingon hand shake, with a wink from Kolos.

Archer: Was he flirting with me?

Kolos goes back to mining.

Archer: I was there a full two hours before you rescued me! That was _so_ hard! I need to go to bed.

Reed: Not my fault, sir.


End file.
